Don’t think about it before you are there

January 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

In the bathroom, rose petals spilled from the sink and toilet and bathtub, the window boarded up. The smell from the roses.

Earlier that day I had found a goose skull, fragile and white, but I left it there, beside the dried out marsh, or some sort of land the tide no longer covered.

I wanted you there. Here. Wanted to push you inside the bathroom of that abandoned house. Close the door on you. Tell you to rub yourself with the flowers until you were clean.

I am aching all over, wrist, ankle, back—all swollen. The wrist and ankle you can grasp and squeeze, but the back is harder. I think about that white skull, my own bones.

Thoughts all of hesitation.

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you need me more than i need me

January 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

This is a lie. This is a lie specific to me. I think I need you more than I need me. What is a need or a want? Did you know in Dean Campbell’s song Wichita Lineman he speaks not of love. He sings, “and i need you more than want you, and i want you for all time”. That is a lot of needing. If you want something, forever, and need it more than forever. How can that compare to some idea of love, which seems so soft in comparison.

Did Virginia need to fill her pockets with stones and walk into the River Ouse. Do farmers really want to prepare a decoy bird to sit alone in a cage and attract its free kin? The decoy birds wants to be free. The farmer needs to eat. We want to pretend decoy birds do not even exist.

Then you read they have found a pair of shoes in the woods. Only 40km from where the boy was last seen. This is not very far away for a body to lie and turn to bone. But it takes a long time for that to happen. So very close to return to the earth. Someone wanted to do that. The family needs to know.

I need you more than you need me.

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