Works in progress

January 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

1. I spent time on one beach, transporting the stones from the shoreline to another beach area on the island, and then transporting sand from there to the first. People have such an investment in ‘taking things in’ and having an understanding or measure of a place, but now when people stand there at these places there will be a small part of it that has come from an unknown. An unknown unknown. I want to do this in Iceland too, where there is a beach of black sand.

2. I read blog posts of people who had visited the Island where they describe what what they did and where they went, and I went out to try and recreate their journey. An uninvited pilgrimage to the steps of unknown people.

3. I found feathers and made a nest, a sort of hyper-realistic one so that if someone stumbled on it, it might seem too perfect, too put together.

4. I walked some labyrinths and pulled a string behind me and at the end I buried a secret. But to get to the secret you have to find the string on your own accord and follow it, the same path. Maybe there is something there that will touch your head and so you have to bow to avoid it.

5. I have made a dictionary of ice/Arctic water forms from a variety of books I have read, and I am painting them, what I think they look like, as a sort of index of imagined forms. Maybe they will somehow resemble what they are if the term is exact enough, or makes me recall images seen briefly in my visual life. If I show them to other people as a representation, they might believe it.

I don’t want to know what you did, I want to know how what you did made you feel

January 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

I have doubts. Lots of them. I often want to retreat into moments of stillness remembered. I feel like I have subtly erased myself from the memories of people, my friends. I often think about dying. All the things I would no longer have to do or be responsible for. Not another morning waking up and feeling hollowed out and strange. noel kept asking me why I don’t take photographs of people anymore. And thats true. Except for lovers, I take photographs of them. I don’t really ever look at them, I just like knowing they are there. Mostly taken in times of silence and muted cooperation.

I remember walking around Toronto Island in twilight, following a group of peacocks. I wanted one of them to drop a feather. I watched their bodies and necks and tails. I didn’t realise that these birds have more than just blue feathers on their body and the tail feathers. They have red and iridescent and this strange spotted cream and brown. of course birds don’t just ‘drop’ feathers, so I wandered around a few of the spaces they seemed to hang around, or at least trying to find a nesting point. I found some feathers which I kept in my portable darkroom bag. I intended to do something with them, in the end I took them to another area and buried them, because, at the time, I felt I didn’t want them to blow away into the water.

I don’t think I am beautiful. I try to compensate by being interesting and interested in others.

I want to hear some new sounds. I want someone to lie with me in the morning and talk about what we are thinking. I want to be able to have someone see the same colours in the leaves of a tree shifting just a little as the sun is setting or rising.

I hear in Iceland, when I hope to be there, that the dawn and dusk are drawn out and the sky, land and ocean look very different. I feel that could be a defining moment for me. after making my portable labyrinth. Maybe before making my tethered boat.

Goddamn it.

You can email me your thoughts you have upon waking or just before you fall asleep, what makes you happy, a tree you remember from childhood, the sound your lover makes or how they make you feel or fail to make you feel. Anything at all, worthwhile and which you usually keep to yourself.

rush.of.sun@gmail.com

you need me more than i need me

January 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

This is a lie. This is a lie specific to me. I think I need you more than I need me. What is a need or a want? Did you know in Dean Campbell’s song Wichita Lineman he speaks not of love. He sings, “and i need you more than want you, and i want you for all time”. That is a lot of needing. If you want something, forever, and need it more than forever. How can that compare to some idea of love, which seems so soft in comparison.

Did Virginia need to fill her pockets with stones and walk into the River Ouse. Do farmers really want to prepare a decoy bird to sit alone in a cage and attract its free kin? The decoy birds wants to be free. The farmer needs to eat. We want to pretend decoy birds do not even exist.

Then you read they have found a pair of shoes in the woods. Only 40km from where the boy was last seen. This is not very far away for a body to lie and turn to bone. But it takes a long time for that to happen. So very close to return to the earth. Someone wanted to do that. The family needs to know.

I need you more than you need me.

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