I don’t want to know what you did, I want to know how what you did made you feel

January 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

I have doubts. Lots of them. I often want to retreat into moments of stillness remembered. I feel like I have subtly erased myself from the memories of people, my friends. I often think about dying. All the things I would no longer have to do or be responsible for. Not another morning waking up and feeling hollowed out and strange. noel kept asking me why I don’t take photographs of people anymore. And thats true. Except for lovers, I take photographs of them. I don’t really ever look at them, I just like knowing they are there. Mostly taken in times of silence and muted cooperation.

I remember walking around Toronto Island in twilight, following a group of peacocks. I wanted one of them to drop a feather. I watched their bodies and necks and tails. I didn’t realise that these birds have more than just blue feathers on their body and the tail feathers. They have red and iridescent and this strange spotted cream and brown. of course birds don’t just ‘drop’ feathers, so I wandered around a few of the spaces they seemed to hang around, or at least trying to find a nesting point. I found some feathers which I kept in my portable darkroom bag. I intended to do something with them, in the end I took them to another area and buried them, because, at the time, I felt I didn’t want them to blow away into the water.

I don’t think I am beautiful. I try to compensate by being interesting and interested in others.

I want to hear some new sounds. I want someone to lie with me in the morning and talk about what we are thinking. I want to be able to have someone see the same colours in the leaves of a tree shifting just a little as the sun is setting or rising.

I hear in Iceland, when I hope to be there, that the dawn and dusk are drawn out and the sky, land and ocean look very different. I feel that could be a defining moment for me. after making my portable labyrinth. Maybe before making my tethered boat.

Goddamn it.

You can email me your thoughts you have upon waking or just before you fall asleep, what makes you happy, a tree you remember from childhood, the sound your lover makes or how they make you feel or fail to make you feel. Anything at all, worthwhile and which you usually keep to yourself.

rush.of.sun@gmail.com

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